The Pros and Cons of Breathing

This last week has been amazing. And leave it to the Fates to go and kill it. I swear the universe has it out for me. For every two steps forward, it's one step back. Reeeaaallllyyyyy not cool or fun. 

What was fun, however, was the beach trip I took with my Aunt and cousins. I had a really good time just hanging out in the water with Boo. She may be little, but she has so much energy. It was funny to watch the waves knock her off balance. She tried to get me to fall in the water a few times, but that didn't work out much for her. ;) Bubba tried playing in the water, but the waves knocked my poor baby down. It was very amusing, but also a little sad. My aunt even found it funny. It's times like that when I wish I'd had my camera with me. The con, I got seriously sunburned. Okay, not as bad as my aunt, but it hurts. I only got burned on my back. Like from my head to my feet, literally. The back if my  knees hurt like heck. Times like this I thank God for aloe vera. 

I have become a pro at Wii golf. It's like the only sport that I'm good at. Baseball would be second and tennis third. The rest I cannot even mention, thats how bad I am. LOL. The con of all this Wii playing, I pulled a muscle in my arm. Not pleasant. While temporary recovering from this "injury", I read all the books my Grandma bought me. And now I have nothing to read. LOL, it's a good thing I enjoy rereading books. I also got a few from my Aunt. 

This week though, started out sucky. Great Grandma is in the hospital Saturday. And my GRANDMA in today. Honestly, not one of my better days. I mean, yeah, she is going to be alright, but still it's awful. Nothing to cry about though. So that's a good thing. Anyway, I'm off to go take care of the kiddies. 

Missing home like  crazy...

Calm Before the Storm

Right now it is 1:00 am. And I cannot sleep whatsoever. So I am currently watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. What I should be doing is sleeping or working on my book. 

I thought that writing a book would be way easy, but it is not. I have a plot line just can't figure out the stuff in between. Ugh, it's so hard. I have a new found respect for published authors. Writing books really takes time and imagination. I have no imagination. Hahaha, so this is going to be extremely difficult. 

Speaking of extremely difficult, one of my guy friends is being really difficult. He doesn't like the guy I like. He is jealous of this other guy. Which makes me sad because all my friend does is undermine the guy. And it's not fair. I'm doing everything right! I turned down the guy when he asked my out the first time and now we have an awesome friendship. However, my friend just can't get over it. It's like he is hoping that I will forget the guy and date him. Unfortunately, for him, that isn't going to happen. I have waited a year and a half to date the guy I like and I have two months to go. This is getting ridiculous. Some people would say it is like an Edward/Jacob situation, but it so is not. I wish it were that simple. Maybe I'll just have Ali talk to my friend for me. This is just not cool anymore.

Speaking of not cool, it is very hot in my room. NOT COOL.

Things that are cool are that I am going to Ali's this weekend!!! Whoo hoo! Movie night and cards and food. My type of day. =D If I just keep thinking about Saturday, then I think I can keep a good grip on the happiness I felt last Saturday.

Anyway, that is all for now folks. I am having some serious writers block.

peace.love.happiness. 

I had a Dream Last Night We Flew Out to See Las Vegas

Actually, I did not have a dream that I flew out to see Vegas. There isn't anything in Vegas worth seeing. I'd probably spend an hour in the airport gift shop and then gone home or just plain turned around and went home. Anyway, this post has nothing to do with flying, Vegas or airport gift shops. It's going to be a brief post about the awful, frightening and despicable.....

GIRLS CAMP

(dun dun dun duuunnn)

Yeah, I'm serious so you can stop laughing or whatever. To me, G.C. is like this:

It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,

it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,

we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going

direct the other way.

-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859)

In other words, for some it is going to be fun, exciting and worthwhile. For others, such as myself, it is Hell on Earth, or Hell in the middle of Heaven. I love being in the woods! I mean, hello!! I looove Yosemite! I wanna live there all because of the trees and just the being in the woods thing. I hate girls camp. With a deep passion. But anyway, back to the Heaven/Hell analogy. For the rest of us who would rather stay home and watch General Hospital, we have NOTHING before us and it indeed is a season of darkness. 1. we're away from my comfort zone 2. strangers are preparing my food 3. what happens if I accidentally eat a cashew? 4. I'm surrounded by tons of other girls who I do not know nor do I care to know them 5. most of those girls are going to be on their periods. 6. drama (need I say more.) 7. absolutely no privacy 8. too much noise 9. I can't just be quiet for one flipping second without someone asking me whats wrong! 10. too many hyper, happy people.

I have nothing against happy people. I enjoy being happy too. But for the love of everything holy in this world, I do not understand how some can be like that the whole entire time! It's like stepford(sp?) wives, only scarier. Nothing against the leaders, and not my ward leaders..other ward leaders, but for crying out loud, I do not want to be there. Of course I ain't smiling. And being quiet does not mean that something is wrong. It means I really have nothing to say and just don't want to talk. I have nothing against other girls or girls in general. You surround me with them though, I will get annoyed. Sorry I'm human and don't get along with everyone! <--sarcasm. I'm not sorry. I do not do screaming children, what makes you think I put up with screaming girls. ex:

Girl: Oh my cheese! A bug!

Me: Squish it.

Girl: *Screams* Ahh!! It's coming closer!

Me: *yells over screaming girl* Move out of my way.

Girl: *still screaming* It's gonna eat me! (or) Help me!

Me: *shoves screaming girl aside* Hey! Look. *squishes bug*

Girl: *stoped screaming* oh! *proceeds to laugh hysterically*

Me: Cheese and rice! *walks away mumbling*

Has it happened before? Yes. I'm not kidding. Maybe not in the exact words, but it has happened. Not all girls are like that, but there are some. Then you also put me with some people I don't get along with. I don't start crap, but I can finish it. Now, you put me with my sister, chances are that we will not get along very well. However, some stupid girl messes with my sister, and that's it. She is going down. No one messes with my sister and gets away with it. =D

Anyway, I can really rant on and on about this, but I won't.

This will be my last post for a while. If I survive G.C. I will write about. But if something goes wrong, do not expect me to write about it.

On a happier note, this Saturday should be fun! Dance, dance! =D

Our Dreams Assured and We All Will Sleep Well

(Dashboard Confessional-Stolen)

I am pretty sure that today has one of the best Fridays of my LIFE!! Let us recap:

• Very funny attempt at tennis
• Interesting walk home
• Camp shirt fixing
• Movie watching
• Pink Lemonade
• Enchiladas
• CoB t-shirt
• Chinese Food
• Card making

So much happened today and I am too tired to write about it all! I'll leave that for tomorrow! Sleep Well!!

=)

Is That A Fish?!?

I'm pretty sure that it was a fish. It definitely looked like one, even if Diana doesn't believe me. Anyway, I finally did it!!!

You: What exactly did you do?

Me: Well, I'll tell you. I died the top part of my hair black!!

You: O.O

Me: Stop being so skeptical. It's all good.

No, really it is. Well, I like it anyway. It looks good...when straight. I haven't tried anything else with it yet. I'm not going Emo or Goth. I just kinda always wanted to try it. SO I did. And I like it. My face looks thinner. I look slightly older and I'm happy. I'm not going over to the "Dark Side". I'm just expressing myself through my hair. AGAIN THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AM GOING OVER TO THE DARK SIDE. It just means that my hair now makes me happy. There is no more blonde either!! Not that I have anything against blondes, I am just sick of having it in my hair. NO matter what color I use, it always goes back to blonde. Not this time. Its all gone. And it looks really good. Anyway, enough about that. On to more important subjects...


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!

Yes, it's my mommy's birthday. She is once again 29. Hahaha. Although, my mom doesn't want to celebrate it. WHATEVER! She is still getting a card.

Today also happens to be my cousin's graduation! But more about all this later!

How I Could Kill A Man (Charlotte Sometimes)

I like that song. It's pretty funny. Anyway, there is only one word that can sum up this last month or two or whatever. I forgot the last time I wrote......oh! *ahem* back to the ONE word:

HEADACHE

I am totally serious. I have had an on-going headache. And it sucks. Worst of all I am on Summer Vacation and I STILL have a headache. Maybe I should consult a doctor? I'm thinking maybe so.

Anyway, forgetting the headache (easier said/typed than done), I am desperate to escape from here. Like super desperate. At least I don't have school on Monday, but it would be an awesome outlet. I can just see Sammy and I walking around the Quad area talking about how sucky or great our weekends were. What our crushes said when they called/texted/messaged over myspace or facebook, then laughing about how dumb we're being. Unfortunately I no longer have that comfort. Instead I'm now being forced to be at home dealing with annoying as "heck" sisters and a "bipolar" father. IM SUPER EXCITED! <--sarcasm. I need something to preoccupy my mornings until my mother gets home. Then I can sit in my room and have no one bother me. I just wish I had a decent book to read, but I have read everything in my closet a gazillion times. I know every plot and there is hardley any surprise left in those books. I need to go book shopping. Not that it would matter much anyway, they would still find someway to drag me away from the familiar safety of wonderfully written pages and loveable characters. What I wouldn't give to live in one of those books! Their lives would be amazing to live, they worlds amazing to live in. Being in the places I dream about, but no. Yosemite is the closest thing I can get to a retreat. And I hope that I can talk my grandparents into taking me back up there for longer that a few days. I wouldn't have work to worry about and I could really relax. No sisters. No parents. No cell phone reception. No nothing. Just me and some trees. Maybe a sketch book and my camera. No worries...just perfect. I can only dream. I don't know. I really really want to go now.

Until then...I dunno what I'm going to do. Well actually, right now I'm going to go get something to drink cause I am super thirsty.

I really need to go to Target before Tuesday so I can get my hair dye. Thats right everyone!! I am dying my hair once more. Just the top part cause I am so sick and tired of the blonde/orange crap in my hair. Seriously, so I'm dying the top part a nice shade of black. Black doesnt fade fast and it would look really nice with my dark brown hair. Well, uh, hopefully.

Brutus is an honorable man.

And it is true. He was an honorable man. I just really like that quote. I think it's awesome. It has nothing to due with what I'm writing about.

And so it begins...

Well, so far I have had a very long day. And I shouldn't be writing this, but I'm going to anyway. Lets start with my spring break.

There are many reasons why I love going to visit my grandparents. The obvious is that I love them very much. The not so obvious is the feeling of security and the fact that I can be myself and not be judged by anyone. I feel free and so happy there. I can speak my opinions and I don't hide out in my room. They listen to me when I talk and that house is filled with so many happy memories. Being there, I forget all my problems and I am a completely different person. I'm happy and bubbly. I'm loved. That is the most amazing feeling. To be needed, wanted and accepted. There is no doubt in my mind that my grandparents love me because they do so much. They understand that i am not always happy here and they make every visit memorable. I like how all three of us read on the patio and how we eat together and how my grandmother has a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me in the mornings. They care for my point of view. They include me in their lives. They take the time to get to know me and give me a chance to breathe. Like I said, amazing. I don't mind doing the dishes or helping when asked. I owe my grandparents everything. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my parents and I owe them everything as well. My whole family means the world to me, but Lord knows I need a break from the chaos every now and then. =D

While I was with my grandparents, I also babysat my cousins, bug-a-boo and bubba. (no those are not their real names) I love my cousins as well. They always make me laugh and we have the best time. We went to the park one day. It was so much fun. Bug-a-boo and I went on the swings and went down the slide and had an adventure. Yes, Bubba was there but he was with my aunt. I have a few pictures of our fun, but I really want to edit them before I put them up. Boo tried to get me to go on the "Monkey Bars" but there was no way that as happening. I had a traumatic experience on the "Monkey Bars". That's a story for another time though. All in all, my cousins made my time down there much more fun.

Coming home, I found my mom violated our contract and cleaned my room. I was not a happy person. Not at all. I have no idea where any of my stuff is. I still cannot find a few things. I love my mother so very much, but I absolutely hate it when she cleans my room. It looks like those model home rooms. Unlived in, with no personality. When someone walks in my room, I want my personality to scream at them. I want someone to walk in and think 'Yep. This is Lauren's room.' No doubt about it. That's another reason I love my grandparents. My grandmas personality is shouting out at you everywhere. I love it. You know what type of person my grandma is the second you walk through the door. That is how I want my room to be. It saves me a heck of a lot of time instead of having to explain myself. My rooms says it all. My dad doesn't want me to have a room like this though. He doesn't understand. He never does. All well.

I hate to leave on that note, but I really need to get the rest of my homework done.

Take aim at myself, take back what you said.

Why must girls be subjected to have difficult and unpredictable mood swings?

Honestly, I can't take it anymore. It's ridiculous. I swear my friends think I'm bipolar. I can't help it though! For example, this morning I couldn't have been any happier and somehow by lunch that little bit of joy had evaporated. By then, I was just not in the mood. After school, I was about ready to bite someones head off. Now that I'm home, however, I feel perfectly content. It's horrible. I feel so bad. I was nice to Mitchell though! That's something new. We always usually find something to argue about. It's not like serious arguing, it is all just for fun. We usually end up laughing about it. Haha, it's ALMOST like we're an old married couple. Not today though. We got along just fine. I dunno. Something has got to be wrong with me or maybe it's just hormones. Whatever the case may be, I shall find some way to be happy tomorrow. I'll make it my goal for the day. Although, fourth period might kill any chance of sunshine in my life. Haha.

So my latest book is about a girl who is currently suffering from anorexia. It's called "Second Star to the Right". So far it is a good book. You hear from this 14 year old girl who is obsessed with losing weight she doesn't need to. It's sad and slightly frightening. She has no idea she is sick and neither does anyone around her. All you read for a good part of the book is that she needs to lose more weight. 105 is perfect...no 99...she said that she would do whatever it takes to feel perfect. To feel thin. She's only 14. It's very sad that she thinks she's fat. She won't allow herself to eat anything.This isn't a scary book, just sad. I wish her parents would realize already that her "diet" is not a diet. It's starvation, but it's just a book. I tend to overreact to this stuff. I can't help that either.

Anyway, my actual diet I've tried to start...that isn't going too well. I could use a little more discipline, but when presented with the chance to have a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box, you are right in thinking that I'm going to take it. It's going to be very difficult to drop 5 pounds. I will succeed though! Especially with summer coming up. My goal is 115 and to keep it in that area. So technically I have to lose ten lbs to reach it, but I figured I would start out with a reasonable number. One I can actually achieve and one that would make me feel healthier.

So now, I'm off to go do a nice little work out that won't last long! =D Haha, I say a good hour or a little less.

(By the way, this has nothing to do with the book I'm reading. I've been meaning to do this since February. I know my limits and I like food way to much to EVER give it up. Especially french fries..)

All I can think of is the way I'm the one who charmed the one who gave up on you

"I've got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match."
What a catch....

I love that song. (what a catch, donnie-fall out boy). For some reason it makes me want to cry. Its so sad, but I love it. It makes me want to cry, but oddly enough, when I listen to the song it makes me happy as well. Such mixed emotions for a song. I'm weird like that. I cry over books and songs, movies not so much. Hahaha, I think thats why I connect with the song so well. I'm obviously troubled. Now all I need is find a book full of psychological illnesses and diagnose myself. That would definitely give me something to do. Lord knows I need something to preoccupy my constantly buzzing mind from going places I don't want to go. All well, thats life apparently. I really need to get over things and learn how to deal. I wonder if colleges offer a class or if there is a book. Almost like the books, "What to Expect When You're Expecting". There needs to be a book called, "What to Expect Out of Life and How to Get Over Yourself and Deal with It". Or something. I'm sure there is a book out there related to that. I'm almost positive. I just haven't found it yet.

Well, bouncing away from my foolish teenage problems... I did extremely well on my CAHSEE, if I do say so myself. For that I am completely thrilled. Seriously. It's been the highlight of my week. Sure, that might seem a little sad...but worth a little celebration, yes. It's nice when something like this happens in my life. It's like a temporary euphoria. Hahaha. Yeah, I know. It's pathetic. But it's nice, unlike eel.

Sounds squishy doesn't it? Eel? Yeah it does. It really truly does. I was looking up pictures of eels the other day, just to see. And I got freaked out a little bit. IT LOOKS SQUISHY!! I'm afraid I'll bite into it and all the sudden I get this unpleasant gooey/squishy-ness. Like a cream puff. I don't like cream puffs. And anyways, have you seen an eels eyes?? It's so creepy! I so will not be able to get the image of this one eel out of my head. I swear, one of these nights I am going to have a bad dream about this eel. I think it needs a name this eel. Herman. The eels name is Herman. Anyways, here's the story about Herman:

So it was right after one of my friends told me they were going to basically force me to try eel. (Now, remember, I really don't like trying new foods due to the fact that I have horrible gag reflexes that act up from time to time.) Just thinking about eating an eel is setting off my gag reflex. Yeah, it's not fun. Well, being the person I am, I agreed. So, naturally, I researched pictures of eels because i was curious. I got pictures of the animated eels from The Little Mermaid (Disney version) and I got actual pictures of eels. And I found a particularly freaky eel. Yes, I found Herman. --------------------------------------------------->

That is Herman. For some reason he freaks me out! Look at his eye!! It's creepy. And my friend wants me to eat something as creepy as this???I don't think so!!! I'm sorry, but whenever I think of eel now, I see Herman. So sorry my dear friend, but there is no way I am eating eel now. What if I eat a member of Herman's family?? Herman is going to want revenge. He already looks crazy. Why put myself through that? I don't want to go swimming this summer and get attacked by him. That would not be fun. I'm not joking, I'm serious. (BTW, do you see how squishy he looks?) I'm not trying eel. End of story. I'm sorry. (This might also be a good time to tell you I don't like Transformers either.)

Anyways, I feel like it's been forever since I last blogged about something. I feel so much better now. Better than I have felt in days. I need to write more...........

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem

(guess what song that is from. =D)



I hate being sick. It's such a bore. Seriously, it isn't fun. There are never any good television shows on anymore. And what happened to all the great shows like Blue's Clues?? And I know it's kinda still around, but Joe is not Steve. There is a difference people!!! Steve was way better. (Just saying!) And "Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!"??? Whats up with that???? That is the most ridiculous excuse for a t.v. show!!! No child should be forced to go through that kind of cruel and unusual punishment. I know people who think that Wubbzy is cute/adorable, but they're crazy because he..it?..see?!?! I'm not even sure what gender the stupid thing is! Bring back all the good shows!! Where is Recess? Pepper Ann? Doug?!? Those shows actually taught you something. I know, I know, a two year old won't fully appreciate Pepper Ann like the rest of us, but that's why they had Blue and STEVE!! Or Gulla Gulla Island. (OH SNAP!) I miss that show. That was freaking awesome!! When I was younger and I would be sick, those are the shows that kept me entertained. Now, I really don't have anything until later in the day. Which leaves my mornings empty and boring. Everyone is at school and I am stuck at home doing absolutely nothing until CSI comes on. If it does. Anyways,

Because of my illness, I also missed mutual. Which sucks. It's like the only thing I really have to look forward to. And I couldn't go. Serious bummer. I am so glad that I have school tomorrow. It gets me out of this house and gives me something to occupy my time. Which is what I need. A distraction.

And brownies. I need brownies. Although, a certain someone wont stop playing a certain game and make them for me. Someone is too determined to beat another someones score. I'm sick and I can't make brownies. So I guess I won't get brownies. Yet. I have a plan. Which won't work most likely, but hey! At least I'm trying. ..

=]

Lambchop is my new bff <333

He is my new best friend. I LOVE him. He is that cool. He gets his own blog post. He was my best friend all night. Well, other than my girls. And Sis. Degraff said I could borrow him anytime! So I am super excited. He's really funny and likes party hats. And long walks on the beach..ladies as far as I know Lambchop is available!! Hahaha.

One of the coolest parts of the night though, is when my friend told me i could keep his sweater another few days. So yay!! I love it. I might not give it back. Its comfortable and keeps me warm. Its awesome and its BYU so its even cooler. Yep. And guess what Mr. Langston? It's better than UCLA!!!! Haha, just kidding..not really....again, please don't fail me. To the person who is letting me borrow his sweater (if he ever reads this which I highly doubt he will..) thank you so much and like I said, I love ya! And BTW Sweater Guy, #11 on the list is so not a joke and you know it!

It was fun to make the standards commercials, and even though I got a few weird looks from the Menifee ward, it was worth it. Lambchop was all dressed up and i had my hat. It was all we needed folks. Just me and Lambchop acting out skits together....with the help of our lovely co-stars. Thank you too all. Both Lambchop and I are excited to go to the Academy Awards next year. We are looking forward to it. It shall be a splendid event. We have seats next to Christian Bale himself.

Well, seeing as I have nothing left to say...I guess I'll go now.

Off to Neverland!! (yeah, I wish..)

=]

oh, not another mind made up!

Say, we'll make them see we've got no more room to breathe.

I love that song. NO MORE ROOM TO BREATHE by There For Tomorrow. I think it's amazing. So today was interesting-for lack of a better word. Weird just doesn't explain it. Anyways, I've been looking at colleges a lot lately. My opinion of any of the BYU's is...I'm all for it one minute and then the next I'm like..No, I don't wanna go to BYU (insert name here). Its all very confusing. And while I'm struggling to begin to make a decision about which college to attend, I've picked my classes for next year. Here's what I'm going to be taking:

• AP Literature
• AP U.S History
• Math Analysis (a.k.a pre cal.- recommended by Mr. Langston)
• Chemistry
• Art 1
• AP Psychology

Sounds exciting right? Yeah, I hope so. AP Psych. sounds so. And considering I want to be a Psychiatrist, that might just help. =] haha...yeah.

In your opinion, which is better? USC or UCLA? Personally, USC is better. Only because they have the same colors as Barstow High School. GO AZTECS! Hahaha, if my grandma were to read this, she'd be laughing so hard right now. Hahaha, I remember the last time she laughed really hard..it was great. She remembers too. Its hard to forget that. I mean she spilt her drink all over the counter and ice on the floor...yeah, I might just have her read this. =] Hahaha, you have to had been there to understand. Anyways, the reason I bring up the two rival schools-USC/UCLA-is because my algebra two teacher (Mr. Langston) and my friend Jessica are always fighting over which is better. It's all fun and games, nothing serious, but we are keeping score. Jessica is for USC and Langston is for UCLA. It's funny to watch them make comments about the schools, such as "It's so simple a USC student could do it." and "For a UCLA student, you aren't very organized." (you have to know Mr. Langston to get that last one). And since I don't want to fail Alg. 2, I'm sticking with BYU...just in case. Lol not that Mr. Langston would ever fail me because I prefer USC....but just to be on the safe side.. hahaha. It's all good though. I love sixth period. Anyways, I got to go.

Peace, Love and Happiness.....
....to BYU students only!

Just Kiddin'! =]

I think we're gonna need a bigger boat...

Hot Cold Black White Up Down

Left

Right

Right

-or-

Wrong

No middle ground.

Seems to be the story of my life lately.

Yes

-or-

No

Cannot be Maybe.

I need a bigger boat. For those who have seen the movie JAWS (best movie ever!!), you know what scene I am referring to. The one where Brody sees Jaws for the first time. And he is like shocked. Scared I guess is a better word. That's how I feel. How I relate. I have all these worries that add up to the size of Jaws himself and I have a small boat. What fun that is. Well, at least I'm not that girl Chrissy(Sp?) at the beginning of the movie who gets eaten. As tempting as that looks, I'd rather stay in my little boat and try to fight. Wish me luck.

As my life seems to be getting more intensely complicated by the minute, I find how extremely grateful I am to have the friends that I have. They seem to be the only people who are willing to stay with me as I slowly lose my mind. And they're the ones who are going to be there when I start getting it back. School has become a paradise for me. Like my own personal escape from everything. Even though its where 90% of my stress comes from, my friends and some teachers can just make my day without even trying. It's almost like, for a second out of my life, I can have some fun and live a little....then some of my teachers tell us to quiet down and get to work. Hahaha, but that's when passing notes-not texting!-comes in handy. Teachers are so busy checking for cellphones that they begin to overlook the simple hand written notes students still use. Which is good for my friends and I because we can have seriously funny conversations. =]

Well, I forgot what else I wanted to say..haha. Until next time.

When life hands you lemons, must we always make lemonade?

existentialism
noun
(philosophy) a 20th-century philosophical movement chiefly in Europe; assumes that people are entirely free and thus responsible for what they make of themselves

_________________________________________

n. A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

(dictionary.com)

How would you use that in a sentence? Haha, maybe I'm too tired to figure it out, but still. That's a hard word to use in an everyday conversation. Unless you are seriously into intellectual conversation.

I like the first definition. It says nothing about being responsible for my actions. If only, right? If I didn't have to pay for my actions, then I wouldn't worry about make up work for school. Sadly, I do have to worry and stress. Which is not cool. It's as if my teachers hate me. Seriously. Like the first thing I want to do after attending a funeral-a very long one I might add- and trying not to get sick (which isn't working) is doing homework I don't understand because HELLO! I wasn't there to hear the lesson. Ummm, yeah. I get it that teachers do not generally care, but just give me a break. Just one. And Ms. Grossi? I understand you are very busy and what not...but how do you write a response to a DBQ? And what DBQ response thing am I supposed to do? Honestly. I know it's an AP course, but AP students need help too.

Yeah, I understand I'm complaining, but I can't help it. This is the only form of therapy I'm going to get for a while. Hahaha. So while being stressed out, I still am finding time to attend Winter Formal. Am I looking forward to it? Sure, kinda. We'll see. I was only going because I thought my best friend Sam was going. (no this isn't Best Friend. Sam and Best Friend are two different people) Well, it turns out she is not going. She didn't think I was serious. WHOOPS!! All well, at least Jess is going. I still need to go pick up my dress. Exciting. I don't like getting dressed up, but at least I'm getting fed. Haha. Hmmm, that wasn't really funny was it? Anyways....

I need sleep. Gotta get up before the sun does. So Goodnight World!

Dear Diary, whats wrong with me??....

Ah yes, a Dear Diary moment.

I woke up this morning realizing I made a huge mistake. Don't ask what it is, because I won't tell you. I'm sorry...wait, I just lied. I'm not sorry. Frankly, it is none of your business. Just know that I am working on fixing it at this very moment. Yes, while writing this lovely blog for some to read I am also formulating a plan. One that will be extremely successful, if I can manage to let the words out anyways. All, well... On to other things.

Oh my! Look at the date! February 14th... It's.....

VALENTINES DAY

I don't mean to offend anyone, but this is the stupidest holiday. Seriously. It's a greeting card holiday. A way for those people to make money!! Do you know how much money florists, greeting card companies, grocery stores, etc.. make on this day? I don't know the exact amount, but if you really think about it...the numbers begin to add up. This isn't something I'm being bitter about because I have no one to spend it with, this is actually something that is 200% S-T-U-P-I-D. And if you truly loved someone, you should show it everyday. Not just one particular day. And if you do celebrate v-day, then don't send flowers. Why? Because flowers die! Oh my gosh! How can you not see that?? You might as well write on the card:

' Dear _________,
I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. Our love is like these flowers I selected. It's a symbol of how our love blossoms and its beautiful......Then, watch how over the course of time, they shrivel up slowly and eventually die. And we will end up throwing them out because they look horrible and smell weird. Happy Valentines Day! I hope you enjoy the symbol of our love!'

Ummmmm, yeah. If you do want to get her flowers, get the fake ones that will last a few lifetimes. Okay? Because, seriously you may not have realized in the past what sending flowers meant, but now you do. And it's okay. It's not your fault. You didn't read too much into it. You wanted to do something romantic. And that's fine. The next time you buy flowers, think of the sample letter above and realize what you are actually truly saying. Then, go buy your significant other a puppy or kitten. Or chocolate. You can never go wrong with chocolate.

So now you know, and for those of you who still love this stupid holiday...
Go and get your love something sweet and from the heart.

-Me

THE AFTER PARTY OF THE AFTERLIFE!... isn't as great as it sounds..

Well, I am not sure how I feel yet.

My great grandma was Catholic, so naturally we had a catholic funeral for her. And wow did she know a lot of people!! I mean, holy cow! She had a lot of friends. Granted some she probably hasn't seen in five years, but still. And there was a lot of food at the reception. Which was held at my great grandads.

It was a sad affair. The funeral service thing took a long time. And myself, being a Latter Day Saint, I was completely lost. It was a nice service. And what the, er, person? had to say about Great Grandma Terri was nice. She was a wonderful person, although i disagree with him on the whole thing about her being 'quiet and peaceful'. It took all I had to not laugh. I'm serious. Great Grandma Terri was quite the opposite. She always voiced her opinion and she could talk FOREVER! Hahaha, that's why I love her so much. She always had interesting stories. You could always kill a few hours while with her and only have to nod along. I'm going to miss her. I said my goodbyes and she knows how much I love her. She was always helpful and an amazing cook. Always had food for us she did. Always something. She is going to be greatly missed.

Back to the funeral itself. It was interesting. I have never been to a Catholic funeral before. It wasn't what I'm used to. All well, it was pleasant all the same. Hopefully, I will not be attending another one anytime soon.

Now, to explain my absence on Thursday....

It started Wednesday night with my mother feeling rather ill. I told her not to worry about it. We could leave at nine in the morning and I can make it for the rest of school. Well, apparently my sister choice to get an ear infection that night as well. Yeah, I was not happy when I found out I would not be going home. No, I do not feel bad for my sister. Why? Because she had it coming. She doesn't listen. She shouldn't have been playing outside when its rainy and windy. She shouldn't listen to her Mp3 player thingy at full volume. She just had it coming. That's my opinion. No one wants to listen to me, that's what happens! I mean for crying out loud! Is it really that hard to sit inside and watch a movie for a little bit? Anyways, while everyone was fussing over her, I was stressing about the fact that I have missed yet another day of school. JOY !(<---sarcasm) I am now currently behind in all my school work. Very behind. It's going to take me a very long time to catch up. Which totally sucks. I now hate all my classes. I'm going to fail. It's official. Kiss my whole high school career goodbye-unless through some wonderful miracle that I would sooo be eternally grateful for, I can about 70% of the work I seriously need to make up during this wonderful, yet agonizing four day weekend.

Wish me luck!

(Seriously, someone please wish me luck!!)

-Me

Funerals are a funny thing.

Here for your reading pleasure, is how my day went.

Its starts normal:

• seminary
• school
  -see Sammy
  -see Best Friend
  -sees nurse
  -lunch
  -.....phone call....?

AH, yes. The dreaded phone call.

I usually never get phone calls during school hours. Unless someone wants me to babysit later that day, but still. Phone calls during school are rare. So thats why i started to worry. Thank goodness it was during lunch and i was in the drama room. Almost..ironic in a sense. That prompting to go to the drama room when the idea was first pitched. There's twisted humor for you-you have to really want to see it. Now, if your mother were to call you at lunch, you automatically think, "uh-oh, who is dead/dying/sick/injured/getting a divorce/got in an accident..?"

What is amazing is when the answer is NONE OF THE ABOVE. One of those, "Oops! I meant to call (insert other persons name here)! Haha, sorry!"

Hahahaha, yeah..... I'm not that lucky. No sir. At lunch, the answer was (condensed for your sake) basically this,"Great grandma is in the hospital. Doesn't look good. Doctors aren't sure if she is stable enough to operate...I'm picking you up from school early. Love you, bye." Yeeaahhhh, that was it in a nut shell. From there..its been downhill....

As soon as my mom picks me up, I find out she has less than an hour to live. This was an hour ago. Whether or not she is still alive, I'm not sure. I don't believe she is.

It's weird. My dad just saw her the other day.. THE OTHER DAY! and yet there she is! (or isnt) lying in a hospital bed, DYING. And I'm not there. Not there to say goodbye and tell her how much i am going to miss her and tell her how much i love her. No. Im here. Freaking blogging about it because its the only way i can vent right now. The last things i get to say to her are being written. At least its something right? Just not something she will read..or even Great Grandpa for that matter. I wonder how he's doing..

Well, within the next week or two. There will be a funeral. I will get dressed up in black clothing. Sit in pews and listen to family speak about my Great Grandmother. Then, thats where it will really hit me that she is not coming back. And i will cry for another week or so..and feel weird for a while. No one will want to talk about it. So i will be alone. In a corner. Trying to recall all the times i was there at her home. And trying to keep the picture of her face alive and smiling in my mind. Funerals are a funny thing. Possibly the only occasion where people are gathered together sharing each others pain and grief and sorrow, all united and filled with the same empty void. Amazing and sad at the same time.

PEPSI is amazing.

Yes, it is true. This weekend I went to the awesomest birthday party ever!! I am dead serious. Sam's mom made her a red velvet twilight cake!! And there was a water balloon fight and everything! It was SO awesome. Her mom is seriously one of the coolest moms ever. Plus we got to watch BATMAN!!! =] it was cool. We all love christian bale, but he's mine. I found him first. HAHAHA, it's true. I did. Did you know he was the voice of John Smith's friend in Pocahontas. (the Disney version). Yes, that's right. And that was one of my favorite Disney movies sooooo, I technically did find Mr. Bale first. I just didn't know that until recently. Isn't that cool? I think so.

Well, everything in life seems to be going okay. I guess.. I am super excited for MONDAY! Why?

BECAUSE I get to see "Best Friend"!! Who is that? Well, his name will remain anonymous, but just know that he is a really cool person. He makes me laugh a lot. He always makes a bad day-not just better- GOOD. Its pretty awesome. HE is pretty awesome. We don't know each other that well, but I still think he is pretty awesome. A complete and total opposite from that other guy. In other words, I don't think Best Friend has ever not said, "hi!" to me at all. But I'm getting ahead of myself. He hasn't started ignoring me yet. We'll see. =] I really hope not though. This kid totally makes me smile without trying. AND he bought me a... PEPSI.

=D

Yes, I know. I can imagine the looks on your faces. PEPSI is the best and we all know it. And he bought a can of it for me. Now that is a dang good FRIEND if you ask me. ;)

Well, that's all for now folks!

Needles....are a Scary thing

Well, tonight I tried to sew. And it went alright. Everyone else got the hang of it, but me...ehhh.. not so much. I have no idea why, but when you are actually sitting in the chair ready to begin sewing together pieces of fabric, it actually becomes scary. Hahaha. Yes I know I am a dork. But I am totally serious. Its frightening. Thank goodness sis. Southwell was there to help. I totally would have like frozen. But other than that I had a lot of fun. The rest of the girls did an amazing job. Sewing is such a good thing to learn. Just in case.

Today was pretty nice. It rained. Which was lovely. But today I felt even more sick. It sucked. I am soooo grateful for Dayquil. Definitely a lifesaver when you are up as early as me...Oh! Well, he completely ignored me again this morning. And then tonight he was nice and actually said hello? His mood swings are giving me whiplash. HAHAHA. his excuse? he didn't want to bother me cause i was sick. i need someones opinion. Sweet? or Not? or Am I Just Being A Totally Weird About This Whole Thing And Need To Relax And Let It Go? Hopefully i can get some friends to actually tell me their opinion. =]

For now, I am completely wiped and am sooo ready for bed.

Okay, well I'm still not used to blogging. But hey! Its only day two. I was thinking about this earlier and it like all the suddenly hit me that people can actually read the words I write. How cool is that? I'm always worried that people never listen to what I have to say. And I admit that I am not all that interesting, but people have the option of reading my thoughts and/or opinions. It makes me feel a lot better. Almost like having a real purpose to be on the Internet now! hahaha. I never realized how fun this actually is. I always thought it was weird. I used to think of blogs as like an online diary, even though I had many friends tell me that's not the case, it still felt like that. Upon my sudden epiphany earlier, it was obvious this was a great way to get my thoughts and feelings out. This is a great start in my friends finally getting to listen. And that's all I ever asked was to Just Listen.

Speaking of listening, has anyone ever read the book Just Listen by Sarah Dessen? It's a wonderful book. Inspiring. I recommend it to anyone. I got one of my best friends to read it and she is completely in love with Sarah Dessen's novels. She is an amazing writer. If anyone is looking for a good book to read, pick up one of her novels. My personal favorite is This Lullaby.

Hmmmm, so I still have no idea if I'm doing this right. But that's okay.

Nothing terribly exciting today. Actually, today was almost blah. I was perfectly happy today, but it seemed that everyone wasn't sharing my enthusiasm for today. Haven't you ever had a day where you are just happy for the sake of being happy? If so, then you know what I am talking about. Even though I said hi to him today and he totally ignored me (jerk? or having a bad day? not sure yet) but THAT didn't even bring me down..much.. I still had an awesome day....

Until mr. langston told us about his cat dying. Now that was plain sad. THAT totally killed my happiness. I mean, mr. langston is my favorite teacher!! He is the best math teacher. And he is always so happy and funny. But today, he was like a depressed Elmo! Or Mickey Mouse. No one wants that. It was sad. Extremely sad. I feel bad for the guy. He was trying to make jokes while explaining everything, but you could still hear his voice cracking a lot. Not the best time in 6th period, but it just makes you realize how real other people are. I don't think most students see their teachers as having a life outside of school. (Of course, after seeing your science teacher at the mall, things become VERY VERY clear. Seriously. That was creepy.)

Well, so much for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Good Night!